Breaking the Silence: Exploring Subjective Experiences with Intimate Partner Violence

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In part two of four weekly blog posts on intimate partner violence (IPV) during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I offer a glimpse into the diversity of experiences people may have with intimate partner violence. The purpose of this post coupled with last week’s post providing IPV data and insights is to highlight how widespread, individual, and complex instances of IPV may be.

Complexity in Relational Dynamics

Since it is a difficult topic to discuss that comes with stigma, we may not only silence ourselves but may also minimize our experiences with IPV when they occur. Due to complex relational dynamics, partners themselves, individual or couples' therapists, and/or family and friends may not recognize harm is at play. At times, partners in high conflict who enter couples or partner counseling may enter the work and be viewed as being caught in a power struggle. As a result, IPV may go undetected under the guise of a power struggle. This is a valid and serious concern on its own but often not accompanied by physical, sexual, or psychological aggression or coercion.

Challenging Assumptions

Society may suggest there is a main aggressor and victim with polarization of who can receive support without judgment. In reality, sometimes the partner who tends to receive harm may create harm and vice versa. It is not as simple as society may suggest.

Those who may tend to experience harm are often referred to as “victims” and “survivors” and tend to receive more support and resources. Those who may tend to create harm are often referred to as “offenders” or “perpetrators” and may be ostracized or denied when they try to get help. It takes empathic understanding and addressing both sides and shifting roles to reduce instances of IPV in our homes and communities.

Predictors for IPV

In the first post, I touched on how IPV commonly originates from experiences with abuse, neglect, and invalidating environments at a young age where violence may have been normalized. We may later seek out these power and control dynamics in our intimate relationships to either reenact them or resolve them, and this often happens unconsciously.

We may seek to have power and control over others or over us, and we may find ourselves in cycles of power and control. Sometimes the anxiety and pain of avoidance and withdrawal from a partner can be enough for one who tends to receive harm to create conflict and re-enter the cycle to feel temporarily connected and less anxious. However, this is ultimately an avoidance behavior that perpetuates rather than reduces attempts at power and control.

Power and Control Wheel

Below you can find a range of lived experiences along the Power and Control Wheel, which was originally developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project and adapted by SAVE: Stop Abusive and Violent Environments. Please note the adapted wheel by SAVE is more gender-inclusive to consider who creates or receives harm but may not yet include the full range of gender, sexual, kink, and polyamorous relationships. A gender, sexual, and kink-affirming view has been offered here by Mx. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT.

Adapted Power and Control Wheel by SAVE: Stop Abusive and Violent Environments

Diversity of Experiences with IPV

What harm looks like may vary for each partnership based on prior experiences, various identities with more privilege or marginalization, and behaviors that have been normalized. Measures used for power and control may vary accordingly to who is creating and receiving harm at any moment. One’s intimate partner may physically or sexually abuse their partner with physical evidence of harm. Another’s partner may use emotional abuse with no evidence of harm, which creates complexity with law enforcement and legal systems that prioritize physical harm. Another partner may institute financial abuse and restrict resources or access to transportation to go to work. One may withhold their children in divorce or commit parental alienation to turn their children against them. The issue is complex and mulit-layered. The main way to understand it is to examine it directly.

Getting Unstuck

There may be something deeply painful, multi-directional, and intergenerational at the core of experiences with IPV. Partners, or at least one of the partners, coming to therapy may be seeking to get unstuck from their dynamic, whatever it may be. Each partner may need to take a deeper look at instances when they have been in one, the other, or both roles of experiencing or creating harm to better understand what role they play in the dynamic when and how it is maintained. Only then can the cycle be interrupted.

Resources for Support Seekers and Supporters

As mentioned last week, there is support available for those experiencing or observing intimate partner violence. Medical and mental health providers and dedicated hotlines can be a resource for anyone in or observing these situations. You do not have to experience this or witness it in silence or alone. Together we can break the silence by knowing more what is behind intimate partner violence and learning how to interrupt the patterns.

Crisis

If you or someone you know is experiencing an urgent need or an emerging crisis where there is a concern about the personal health or safety for you or others, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.  

• You may also call National Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 or text SAFE to 741741.

• For local support in Washington state, you may also call the King County Crisis Line at 206-461-3222.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, the confidential 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline is available through multiple methods:

• Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Test “START” to 88788

• Visit Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline for a live chat

A Look Ahead to Week 3

Next week I will share more about the role, ethical duty, and support for mental health professionals in identifying, conceptualizing, and treating intimate partner violence. The main idea to plant here ahead of next week is we cannot assume we know what a partner or partners experience, preferences for keeping or dissolving the relationship, or needs for support without asking and listening deeply.

As therapists, we need to remain free of judgment and provide ethical and equitable treatment to all clients, whatever side of this issue they may be on. We also may know this may not be an easy topic to support, and it may come up from a partner or partners without warning. It is our responsibility to develop knowledge, skills, and competence for a range of concerns clients may bring to us along with seeking our own supervision and consultation and preparing referral and resource lists when we find ourselves beyond our scope of practice and competence.

Breaking the Silence: Understanding the Truth Behind Intimate Partner Violence

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In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month and as a passionate mental health professional with some experience with this topic, I am dedicating four weekly blog posts about intimate partner violence (IPV) to offer four key things to readers:

1. Week 1: Information and resources about IPV

2. Week 2: A new view of subjective experiences with IPV

3. Week 3: Insights and support for fellow professionals

4. Week 4: Guidance and resources for family and friends

In Week 1 of Breaking the Silence, I will share the following information about intimate partner violence:

• Definition and Statistics

• Impact of Marginalization and Stigma

• Origins of IPV

• Resources for Support Seekers and Supporters

• References for More Information

Definition

According to the World Health Organization in 2022, intimate partner violence (IPV) was defined as “behavior within an intimate relationship that causes physical, sexual, or psychological harm, including acts of physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse, and controlling behaviors.” This definition includes current or former spouses and dating partners and one or more episodes of IPV.

Statistics

In 2024, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) conducted its latest National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) where the following sobering statistics were reported:

• IPV was observed to start early and affects tens of millions of men and women before the age of 18.

• 61 million women and 53 million men reported experiences with psychological aggression by an intimate partner during their lifetime.

• The CDC reports these experiences may continue across one’s lifetime after violence has been normalized.

• In my current state of Washington, the CDC and Washington State Department of Health (DOH) identified 41% of women and 31% of men reported experiences with sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking, which largely mirrors national numbers.

Impact of Marginalization and Stigma

Believed to be a gendered issue

Intimate partner violence may be seen as a gendered issue by society and in our communities where people identifying as female are the most common victims and survivors and people identifying as male are most commonly viewed as offenders or perpetrators. The CDC’s NISVS report highlights this is simply not true. While there may be higher reports from women than men, men are also victims and survivors in very high numbers, and women may also create and perpetuate harm. Because of this view, men may underreport their experiences, may not be believed by professionals or supporters, and may not understand or view their experience as abuse since it has not been defined this way by society. We all have a role to play to change this perception to ensure more people who suffer end the silence and get the support they need.

Marginalized populations

IPV can affect anyone, though those from marginalized populations may face an increased rate of IPV due to larger societal and systemic inequities that can lead to aggression and violence in relationships. Among those who may face this increased rate of IPV, this may include but not be limited to people in the LGBTQIA+ community, those who may be transgender or gender non-conforming, individuals who experience a lower socioeconomic status, and immigrants reliant on their partner to stay in the country. One may initially experience violence for their differences and may continue to tolerate it with fears of being outed by one’s partner.

Origins of IPV

In addition to the CDC NISVS study in 2024, many other studies have shown that being a victim of domestic violence or intimate partner violence earlier in life can lead to continued violence as a victim, creator of harm, or both.

Both sides of harm

The book Violent Partners by Linda G. Mills highlights these insights and various de-identified cases where one’s chosen family may experience similar themes from one’s family of origin. Dr. Mills asserts in this book that acts of violence, whether physical, sexual, or psychological, become normalized as a way to communicate when one’s tools and skills may be deficient to express fear, disagreement, dissatisfaction, or disappointment. Expressions of fear or anxiety may be too vulnerable. Prior attachment ruptures and fears of rejection and abandonment may make it terrifying to share one’s true experience. Anger and attempts to control may help someone move from feeling powerless to powerful, which are only temporary and may escalate to have the same effect.

According to Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, those who suffer from a partner’s attempts to control them may have previously found themselves in violent, abusive, neglectful, and/or invalidating environments growing up. They may re-enact or attempt to resolve these cycles because the brain and nervous system tend to seek familiarity as familiarity implies we are safe even when we may not be.

Interrupting violence

Whether one is enduring or creating harm, both sides are suffering and trapped in a difficult and painful dynamic. The work here is rewiring what is deemed to be safe and expanding our ability to communicate and experience powerful emotions in more adaptive and skillful ways. To interrupt this process, both sides need to build awareness, tools, and tolerance for distress to make space for vulnerability, connection, and care.

Resources for Support Seekers and Supporters

There is support available for those experiencing or observing intimate partner violence. Medical and mental health providers and dedicated hotlines can be a resource for anyone in or observing these situations. You do not have to experience this or witness it in silence or alone. Together we can break the silence by knowing more what is behind intimate partner violence and learning how to interrupt the patterns.

Crisis

If you or someone you know is experiencing an urgent need or an emerging crisis where there is a concern about the personal health or safety for you or others, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.  

• You may also call National Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 or text SAFE to 741741.

• For local support in Washington state, you may also call the King County Crisis Line at 206-461-3222.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, the confidential 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline is available through multiple methods:

• Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Test “START” to 88788

• Visit Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline for a live chat

A Look Ahead to Week 2

Next week I will share more about the subjective experiences of those who have endured IPV whether as a victim, person who creates harm, or both. The idea behind this is to help those with IPV experiences or those who may be supporters build awareness of what is happening, develop some common language, and begin to replace silence with curiosity.

References for More Information

• CDC and DOH (2017).  “National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey”. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey – Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (WSCADV)

• Mills, L. (2008).  Violent Partners:  A Breakthrough Plan for Ending the Cycle of Abuse.  New York, NY:  Perseus Books Group.

• U.S. Centers for Disease Control (2024).  “Intimate Partner Violence Prevention:  About Intimate Partner Violence”. About Intimate Partner Violence | Intimate Partner Violence Prevention | CDC

• van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

• Washington State Domestic Violence Information & Referrals (2017).  Domestic Violence Programs | Washington Information and Referral

• World Health Organization (2022).  “Violence Info:  Intimate Partner Violence”. Violence Info – Intimate partner violence

Navigating the Liminal Space: Creating Room for Reflection, Learning, and Growth

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The end of summer and start of fall introduces a literal and figurative season of change for all of us. Days become shorter, weather may start to shift, and a beckoning for focus and restoration may be upon us. The return to school demands a return to routine for students and families who may have enjoyed more relaxed schedules and operating on their own time. Others may welcome and value the structure over spontaneity as that is how they may operate best. Either way, change is here, and it can bring up many different thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, which may be informed by whether we welcome or resist the natural change.

Listening to Ourselves in Seasons of Change

The liminal space, moving from one season to the next, can be destabilizing as we try to figure out how to let go of one and hold onto another. The in between space can feel really unsettling, like we are floating and not touching the ground, as we are in a process of change and adaptation. The more we resist the natural order of things, the harder it can feel. The antidote is to embrace the discomfort, attune and tend to it, and listen to what it is telling us. Is there something we need to shift? Is there something we are learning about ourselves? Are there hard truths arising that feel unwanted but need to be heard? We do not have to feel like the liminal space is happening to us. We can let it in like a trusted friend sharing an observation with us with our best interests in mind.

Moving from Certainty to Clarity

Many individuals experience a strong pull to know how the next story will go before making a decision, which is how we can find ourselves stuck in something that no longer serves us as we hope for 100% certainty we will experience a particular outcome. At the heart of this dilemma is the attempt to maximize our gains and minimize our losses with imperfect information. I often tell clients we can never have 100% certainty how something will go and a lot of the work is about letting go of the illusion we can have that guarantee. The task instead is accepting we can do our best to create clarity for ourselves, anticipate how things are likely to go, and sit with each option long enough to gauge if we can live with it before acting.

Acting too quickly or impulsively can lead to regret or remorse, but acting too slowly can lead to the same. Both are in the eye of the beholder or sometimes in the eye of the supporters who offer us feedback along the way. The best we can do is learn from these experiences, meet ourselves where we are at with self-compassion and generosity, and remember we never lose the opportunity to learn and grow.

Anticipating the Shift

It is sort of like trying change on for size before taking the first step towards change. We may feel fearful of certain changes, so listen to that fear and sit with it a bit longer. What do we imagine for ourselves and others in our lives? What is the best that can happen? Recognizing change can be hard as it comes with gains and losses, where do we see ourselves six months, twelve months, or two years down the line? Who are we becoming? What are we holding onto and what are we giving up if we change something or nothing? Say we decide to stay in a job, relationship, or home that doesn’t fully serve us, what can we accept and what is still in our power to change? Can we think of it or experience it differently?

Experiencing Momentum in the Liminal Space

Clients in my clinical room are often navigating transitions and the liminal space across all seasons. Many are just now entering a space of clarity after navigating the liminal space of knowing they want something else and feeling unsure if it will be better than their current situation or circumstances. It took weeks, months, or years across various cases living and being a certain way before moving into weighing what to do. It is an especially fruitful time for many beginning, ending, or shifting schools, jobs, intimate or familial relationships, homes, and more after working through their subjective experiences and options.

Taking a leap of faith to recommit, leave, or adjust relies on clients’ capacity for reflection, belief in themselves to be successful, resilience to rebound after challenge and change, and resources inside and outside of themselves to see it through. They have prepared for this moment, and they are in the fall harvest period.

Seeking Support for Times of Change

Not all clients enter periods of change with these beliefs, tools, or resources, which can be part of the work in the therapeutic room. Learning and growth are possible for all of us, and therapists are guides, educators, and champions in the process. If you find yourself in a liminal space and seeking support, you do not have to go at it alone.

Living Authentically: Balancing Freedom with Responsibility

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Existential philosophers like Søren Kierkegaard and Jean-Paul Sartre emphasized the presence and role of anxiety in our lives when faced with the tension of being free to live as we wish while also taking responsibility for our actions and choices. Finding a balance between the two, they assert, leads to an authentic life and a reduction in anxiety.

Four Ultimate Concerns of Human Existence

Irvin Yalom, a renowned psychotherapist, author, and educator described four existential concerns of human existence that can produce anxiety: death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. A preoccupation or avoidance of these concerns can produce anxiety that may benefit from therapy, and this post will focus on freedom.

Balancing Freedom and Responsibility

In this context, freedom does not imply living life as we wish with our sole focus on personal gains and no consideration for consequences. It means seeking balance between living life as we wish and taking responsibility for our impact on ourselves and others. In my clinical training and supervision, this was a frequent topic as clients may find themselves pleasing others to minimize their losses or pleasing themselves to maximize their gains - both of which may bring sacrifices ranging from loss of self to loss of relationships.

Therapeutic Support

As therapists, we are supporting and elevating clients’ self-advocacy for their own needs but not at the expense of others’ needs and rights. We are enabling boundary creation for adaptive protection and space for oneself while caring for others but not in service of disconnection and isolation. We are facilitating processing grief upon losing others to death and creating an openness to experience to live life to its fullest before our own death. We are essentially promoting authentic living in alignment with one’s values and purpose.

Self-Reflection Questions

In terms of freedom, therapists are encouraging a client to gauge where they currently sit with balancing freedom and responsibility. Key questions may include:

• What or who gets more attention from us most of the time?

• What or who is getting lost or left behind when we default to what gets our attention?

• How are both impacting me and others?

• If you are seeking to live authentically and reduce existential anxiety, first, consider what your values are. If you are not sure what your values are, a therapist can help you identify them.

• Next, gauge how you are doing living in accordance with your values. A way to do this is to look at your values, look at your actions and choices, and identify gaps in actions and choices.

• Then, closing the gap between your values and your actions and choices requires looking at your behaviors and corresponding thoughts and feelings that lead to specific behaviors that are not aligned to your values.

• Now consider how you can get closer to living an authentic life by identifying and choosing actions aligned with your values. Consider if your sense of self, skills, environments, relationships, or other factors may need to change to choose differently and be accountable.

Living Intentionally and Authentically

These ideas can be applied to both life and work. We can consider how we show up for ourselves and how we show up for others. None of us can be in all places at all times unless we have figured out time travel. We all have tradeoffs and choices to make about how to spend our time, energy, and money and who and to what end it will all serve. If we know what and who are most important to us, we have a chance at living authentic lives, addressing our four existential concerns, and reducing the anxiety that comes with living in tension and out of balance.

In the end, being authentic in all aspects of our lives will better allow us to be kind to ourselves and to others and to generally get what we want and need, even if not in every circumstance. It is not an “or” but an “and”. Both can be true at once.

Balance for Caregivers

If you are in a season of caregiving whether for children, aging parents, or both, it may feel like there is no time or space for you right now. Caregivers especially need some care poured into them to be able to keep giving even if this self-care feels too small or not enough. What kind of support do you need in this season and from what or whom to help you have some care and sense of freedom to balance your responsibilities?

Staying Me in We: Remaining Separate and Connected in Relationships

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In my counseling work, the exploration of one’s social and intimate relationships accompanies an exploration of oneself. This has been both true for individual and couples counseling where one’s sense of self and relationship with oneself and one’s relational experiences with others are always in the room, whether or not one’s family, friends, or romantic partners are a direct part of the counseling process. This might sound complex, so I’ll explore a bit more plainly what this means in theory and in practice.

Earliest Relational Experience

From the beginning of our existence, each of us is a part of a greater whole connected to the individual who carried us. According to Jungian Psychology, we spend much of our lives unconsciously and consciously in search of a union to become whole again because the pain of separateness is too great to bear alone. The book The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis explores this phenomenon.

This idea does not imply that every person on the planet needs to be in an intimate relationship to feel whole. However, complete isolation can lead to loneliness and poor mental health outcomes. The World Health Organization recently identified social isolation and loneliness as a public health problem and made it a priority to address it.

Attachment

How safe it feels to be in relationship with others and ourselves can be viewed through the lens of attachment theory, which was originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth. Attachment theory focuses on how we socially and emotionally learned to respond to caregivers tending to our needs. These early experiences with parents and caregivers shape what we expect of others in helping us meet our needs and, in essence, how we cope if our needs are not met.

Attachment styles range from secure to insecure where insecure styles include avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Coping may range from an adaptive balance of self-soothing and finding comfort from others to seeking self-soothing only, seeking others only for comfort, and experiencing confusion around how to find comfort. Attachment styles are fluid and can be updated from an insecure to a more secure style or vice versa based on social and intimate relationships in later years.

Becoming “Me”

Along this quest, the true becoming of oneself involves understanding all aspects of who we are both in and out of relationships with others, which includes the relationship we have with ourselves. In our earliest years, we go through a range of physical, cognitive, social, and emotional developmental stages that help us build a sense of who we are while learning to get along with others and in the world. Our lived experiences construct this picture of ourselves and are reflected back to us by others from what we present to the world and the relationships in which we find ourselves.

Being Seen

How the external world and society treat us, including acts of systemic oppression, can become internalized or externalized and have a profound impact on our sense of self, our functioning, and the quality and depth of our relationships with others. What we think of ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, what we allow others to see about our hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and fears as well as how we view others can be a reflection of how stable our sense of self may be and also how safe the world may feel to us. It can be vulnerable to know and share our true self because we risk being seen and may experience criticism, rejection, abandonment, manipulation, and marginalization. This can lead to protective beliefs and behaviors that may call for clear and gentle therapeutic support.

Moving from “Me” to “We”

As we develop social and intimate relationships with others, we continue to develop across our lifespans. We have opportunities to update what we know and say about ourselves, how we present ourselves, and ways we engage with others and the world. Sharing this evolution with others in our lives is a journey as we are ever changing creatures as humans in search of fulfilling our hopes, dreams, and desires.

For some, this may be a quest filled with joy and delight for what may be gained. For others, this may raise anxiety or fear for what may be lost. Both are informed by our lived experiences and expectations of how we see ourselves and others. As a counselor, I accept the reality that one or both may exist. Clients proceeding without fear, anticipating only being wounded, or expecting only to submit or dominate can indicate earlier relational patterns that may benefit from mending in therapy.

Making Space for All

How much we grow and are able to delight in the company of others, whether it be through platonic or romantic love or as a parent, may also depend on our openness to experiences and willingness to examine our beliefs, assumptions, thoughts, emotions, and actions towards ourselves and others. Making space for another does not necessarily have to mean we disregard who we are or overpower another to exist, be accepted, and belong. There is room for two or more in service of creating a union of friendship, romantic partnership, or parent and child relationship. Making space for another necessarily requires that we stay grounded and aware of ourselves while becoming aware and open to another. Esther Perel speaks to how this is at the heart of desire in Mating in Captivity, as one example among many.

Maybe this post finds you at a time where you are feeling grounded in yourself and with others, and, if so, I celebrate this feeling with you. If the post offers some space for reflection on something you’d like to amend for yourself and update with others, my encouragement is to be gentle with yourself and others as this awakening and evolution are a journey. As long as you are invested in taking the next step forward, there is always room for growth and transformation.

Turning Self-Care into a Habit: Creating permission, space, and clarity

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During my counseling program, self-care was introduced as a mandate for clinical mental health professionals, and it was reinforced at every turn. Creating time and space for self-care felt nearly impossible to many of us juggling courses, clinical work, counseling organizations, and everyday lives. However, looking back four months after graduation, I can see how taking self-care from an idea to a habit necessarily required daily practice, reflection, and integration into our work and lives. Given the need for humans to recharge in order to keep producing high-quality work in all roles and organizations, I wonder if we can reimagine and create a world where self-care is a mandate for all.

Permission to engage in self-care

This idea of self-care as a mandate was missing from my prior corporate career. What is puzzling about this is employees, managers, and leaders are frequently emitting and absorbing the energies, thoughts, and emotions of others, often without realizing it. I was very aware of this exchange, so I gave myself permission for self-care. This was not always the popular belief or practice to prioritize oneself nearly equally with one’s work, so I often found myself on an island creating boundaries, space, and time for reflection and processing. That was until I discovered the IMDb culture within Amazon and what balance looked like as an expat in the UK with the Amazon Advertising team. Time off was taken very seriously.

My time in London reinforced the importance of protecting my evenings, weekends, and time away. I limited my work travel both before and after becoming a parent. I prioritized the most critical work and meetings, even in global roles, to make space for life outside of work. It was not without tension or thinking about work during my time off and away, but I took the space anyway to recharge and make sense of a system that was not designed for wellbeing. I intentionally missed out on some promotions and special projects because I protected my time, and these were opportunities I did not want because they did not align with my values. The most important opportunities, projects, and promotions came when leadership and I had alignment in values and I was valued for my work, not for how much I worked.

The why behind the mandate for mental health professionals

As helpers and healers, we pick up on and engage with the mental and emotional state of our clients. We mentalize their worlds, and we empathize cognitively and affectively in the healing process. Moving from the theory of self-care to establishing it as part of my clinical practice helped me see how essential it is to take care of ourselves after creating a container and holding physical, mental, and emotional space for others. For leaders, managers, and employees reading this, aren’t you also holding space for your employees, customers, shareholders, families, and friends who may benefit from you taking time out for self-care?

Sometimes we may be going through or have gone through a similar experience as clients and need to separate what is theirs versus ours. This is important to do both in and out of sessions with clients to ensure clients and their needs are the focus. Creating a habit of self-care also allows us to model this for our clients, many of whom may not yet have a habit of self-care and can pick up on what we’ve created and experiment until they’ve built their own version of self-care. When I was still in corporate and as a counselor in training, I attempted to model self-care to others by setting work and client hours that gave space for work and life that carry me into the profession post-graduation.

Creating space for self-care

Creating space in our lives to take care of ourselves may be easier said than done. For some, it may sound very difficult because it also means we are not making space for something else and we can feel guilt, maybe even shame, that we did something bad or are bad to take time for ourselves. However, how do we take care of others if we are also not taking care of ourselves? Metaphors of putting our oxygen mask on first and pouring from an empty cup come to mind.

There is a reality many of us may face by putting ourselves first sometimes. Some may be disappointed, frustrated, or upset if we pause, slow down, say no, or stop doing something to take care of ourselves. Disappointment can be a natural part of relationships, and setting boundaries can be a natural way to love others and ourselves at the same time. We may feel anxious to prioritize self-care, so it is worth asking ourselves two simple questions and consider what thoughts and feelings come up to approach it from a wise mind:

• What might I gain if take care of myself?

• What might I lose if I take care of myself … or don’t?

Developing clarity about what works for you

So, what now? Maybe you’re ready to give yourself permission to take time for yourself to be well, and maybe you are finding ways to create space to do that. What does self-care mean and look like for you? Self-care is not a one size fits all phenomenon. We are each wired in a special way to find energy from some things, and some things may drain us. Also, different moments may call for other needs to be met, whether it is on our own or with others, in active movement or in stillness. Part of the process is learning what works for you and adapting as the moment or your needs evolve.

For some, self-care may look like engaging in physical activity for health, fitness, or a release of excess energy. For others, it may involve social time with colleagues, family, and friends. Others yet may enjoy travel and adventures to learn about other cultures, be inspired, experience awe, and feel part of something bigger than themselves. For many, it may involve therapy or other healing treatments like getting a massage or receiving acupuncture. For me, self-care most often feels like spending time with loved ones, going for a run, taking my dog for a walk, cooking a nice meal, or sitting in stillness, mindful observation, and reflection. Trying different things and reflecting on what forms of self-care energize versus deplete us can facilitate awareness, deepen clarity, and increase confidence in what we ask for and do for ourselves.

When to practice self-care

Finding a good time of day for self-care at the start, middle, and/or end of your day can help set others’ expectations this is time for you or time together. Creating any new habit takes time, patience, and practice. Pausing to celebrate the wins can shift our narratives about what taking care of ourselves means. Treating missed moments of self-care as opportunities to find the next one instead of a failure can keep us grounded when we feel stretched. Showing yourself some grace and self-compassion along the journey can go a long way to making the self-care habit stick.

Understanding Grief: A universal and individual experience

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Losses, both death and non-death related, are a natural part of life, development, and the human experience. Various emotions, especially grief, can accompany losses whether expected or unexpected, clear or ambiguous, acknowledged or disenfranchised. Experiences with grief, while universal, are also as individual as each person sitting with us in the counseling room. As a counselor in training, I felt particularly drawn to working with grief after personally discovering the impact it can have on each of us and how bearing witness and offering or receiving support can be profoundly connecting and healing to help us grow with losses in our life.

Emotions accompanying grief after loss

As losses may vary, so, too, may the emotions experienced with each loss. In addition to grief, some may feel loneliness, anxiety, and/or depression after losing a loved one, whether they pass or the relationship has ended. Others may feel relief after closing a difficult and particularly strenuous chapter of caregiving, divorce, loss of freedom as a new parent, pet loss, or lost opportunities and connections following intense occupational or educational pursuits. Some may feel confusion, uncertainty, or ambivalence about what to feel but generally notice and feel an absence, emptiness, or spaciousness following the loss of something or someone that occupied a lot of time, attention, energy, and devotion.

Grief and loss can include excruciating pain or may be met with calm and ease. There is no one way to experience a loss, and each loss may impact us differently. This is just the tip of the iceberg on the range of emotions we can feel as we experience losses but attempts to highlight loss and grief are always so not straightforward.

Factors shaping grief and experiences of loss

One’s cultures, identities, lived experiences with loss, and messages received, among many factors, contribute to the beautifully complex journey grief each individual may walk. As a counselor, I aim to always be curious, never make assumptions, and expect clients are the experts and authors of their lives. Clients’ stories, experiences, beliefs, and emotions related to their losses, even if similar to my own or others I know, belong to them.

There is nothing too intense to hear, hold, or process with a client. Even with the most painful and difficult of losses comes resilience and strengths that kept clients moving forward till they set foot in my counseling room. I am curious about what shaped them and helped them both internally and externally to carry forward anyway and what resources and support they need now to process and make meaning of the grief and loss they’ve experienced.

Transcending Model of Grief and Loss

There are many models for identifying, conceptualizing, and treating grief and loss. Among the models I encountered during my clinical training, I learned about Dr. Katherine M. Atkins’ and Dr. Sonya Lorelle’s Transcending Model of Grief and Loss (TMGL). TMGL includes four different spaces of grief and loss that help describe one’s experience before, during, and after a loss as unchartered territory, initial reaction, lost/adrift, and transcending.

I had the privilege of working with Dr. Atkins and Dr. Lorelle at Northwestern University during my clinical training, and this model really resonated with me as I reflected on my own losses and considered those of my clients. Applying their model and some great resources they leverage in their grief work and education, such as the loss line and loss template, helped me identify, name, conceptualize, and treat client grief ranging from processing relationship losses and navigating natural developmental changes to making meaning of reproductive losses and preparing or responding to death-related losses.

Integrating grief and loss into our lives

Each individual has their own process and timeline for navigating grief and loss. As counselors, we have an opportunity and responsibility to remain attuned to our clients along their journeys of processing, holding, making meaning, and integrating grief and loss into who they are and what life can look like. It may feel like a space of difficulty, distress, pain, and it is also a space of co-creation, creativity, and healing.

Counselor and client reflections

Dr. Atkins and Dr. Lorelle talk of the importance of counselors knowing themselves and their own experiences with grief and loss to operate with awareness and good clinical judgment as they support clients with similar needs. If you are a counselor, how does your reflective practice consider the role of grief and loss in your life, and how it shows up in your counseling room? If you are a client reading this, what do you want your counselor to know and support along your journey?

Transforming Human Suffering: Creating a path for new possibilities

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There are varying beliefs and philosophies on what leads to and maintains human suffering. What appears to be in common is the idea human suffering can originate from and contribute to significant pain and distress that impacts our ability to function every day.

Isolation

In a mental health context, physical, psychological, and emotional distress can stem from anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, and unaddressed existential concerns, one of them being isolation. With the global pandemic still in our recent collective memories, isolation followed many unfortunate death and non-death losses and involuntary separation from quarantine. Many earlier in their lives experienced thwarted social development by being unable to connect with friends and peers. Some developed long covid and now need to permanently isolate or limit contact to stay healthy and safe. This barely scratches the surface of the impact, but it seems safe to say we are all still making sense of what happened to us since 2020.

Invalidation

We may tend to consider isolation in the context of being alone and as the absence of contact with others. However, we can also experience a sense of isolation followed by a growing sense of loneliness in our personal and professional relationships if we do not feel seen, heard, or validated. For those who may feel more regular emotional intensity, profound human suffering and self-abandonment can arise in preserving a relationship or situation that doesn’t serve someone to avoid the unbearable anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment. When we make commitments to be in relationship with others, whether in life or work, we are left with questions, ambivalence, and uncharted paths of what to do when left unfulfilled.

Validation, Acceptance, and Change

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan talks and writes about Building a Life Worth Living and shares her own journey and how developing DBT as part of the third wave of behavioral therapies necessarily included validation and the dialectical idea of acceptance and change. While I will not attempt to represent the depth and breadth of DBT or Linehan’s work here, the core idea as applied to our relationships in life and work can start with a simple two-part question that leads to hope and can reduce home suffering, which is: “What can I accept that I cannot change in this relationship or situation, and what is in my power and control to change?”

Linehan asserts validation without the exploration of change will not necessarily relieve suffering from someone seeking support. Exploration of change without validation may provide more suffering for encouraging change without first acknowledging the heart of one’s pain. It is also important to note acceptance in this case does not mean approval, but it does mean we can learn to tolerate that which we cannot change.

Differentiation

The good news is validation does not always need to come from external sources. We can also validate ourselves for our lived experiences, thoughts, and feelings that feel true to us even when others may not agree with us. Self-validation is not a justification of maltreatment of others but rather a way to stay authentic to ourselves while still considering our impact on ourselves and others. We can also experience pain and suffering if we end up in isolation or feeling loneliness by distancing ourselves from others or pushing others away.

As we begin to feel validated and make sense of what we can accept and change, we can also differentiate between the human suffering we may have some control to shift and the everyday difficulties not in our control that accompany the human experience. This process of differentiation can expand the possibilities for us, our relationships, and our workplaces. We are better able to consider new possibilities for our lives and work, the impact of what has happened to us that was not our choice or fault, the repair we may seek following what we may say or do while in pain or distress, and the role we may play in maintaining and metabolizing our pain and suffering.

Being Present

Using a range of DBT skills of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, we can build a practice of slowing down, observing ourselves and others, and acting thoughtfully in a way that feels less automatic and more deliberate in our lives and work. It allows us to be more present and connected with ourselves and in our relationships. I use DBT skills work with both individuals and couples in counseling seeking to shift their experiences and expressions of incongruence and conflict, clarify what they can accept and change, and expand the choices in their lives and relationships. The skills allow them to recognize what is worth holding onto and what they wish to let go. Sometimes this means changing how we view something to experience ourselves, a situation, or a relationship in a new way. Sometimes it means deciding whether to stay or go with more awareness and acceptance of what we are keeping or releasing.

Hope and Healing

When we expand our awareness and understanding of our own lived experiences, feel validated by others and ourselves, and feel engaged in relieving our suffering, we are better able to be present, connected, and authentic in our lives, relationships, and workplaces. This process of enabling a more authentic life can come with a range of emotions from anxiety and fear to excitement and joy. There is support for that, and you don’t have to do it alone. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we relate to it, the stories we tell ourselves about it, and what we allow ourselves to experience. Hope and healing can be found in the work and process of becoming who we fully are, adapting to changes we chose or did not choose, and freeing ourselves from what is not ours to hold or own.

Taking the Peculiar Path: What to expect when you take the path less traveled

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The word peculiar did not formally become a part of my vocabulary until I worked for Amazon nearly twenty years ago. While I changed careers to become a counselor and have not worked for Amazon for ten years, the company left quite an impression on me, influenced my counseling and coaching approach, and defined who tends to benefit most from working with me.

The definition of peculiar

Merriam-Webster defines the word peculiar in two ways: “1) characteristic of one person, group, or thing and 2) different from the usual or normal”. Amazon’s beloved use of the word affectionately refers to both sides of this definition and captures the essence of the corporate culture and how the company works.

Amazon’s application of the word peculiar

Amazon often used the work peculiar in describing the working backwards from the customer approach, the ownership mindset, the data centricity, and the swift movement into action to learn and fail fast frugally. I frequently recall leaders explaining how the company operated differently or would go a different way from the norm necessarily carrying a consequence of being misunderstood by others. What I interpreted from this is going a different path could raise skepticism, judgement, doubt, or criticism that a company does not know what they are doing or may be fueled by egotism thinking they know better than everyone else. Their sights were not set on their competitors, although kept in their periphery. They were set on customers and creating new markets, products, and services. Their process was focused on the disruption necessary for transformation. This path may not have been without hard lessons, and it was in aiming for big things and learning from action that transformative growth became possible.

My peculiar path at Amazon

Over a collective 6 1/2 years, I experienced a lot of intensity but also felt like the world was my oyster. I had a chance to try four different functions (product management, program management, product marketing, and business development), four different teams (IMDb, Amazon Advertising, Amazon Digital Products, Global Vendor Management), and two different countries (US and UK). I reflect on this experience as just the right amount of change for someone who is a lifelong learner and embraces change, experimentation, and transformation. And I recognize this is not the pace or level of change for everyone, but it worked for me and many colleagues who stayed and evolved their own careers over the years. Amazonians referred to this as “general athletes”, and this approach created agility, clarity in ambiguity, tolerance for uncertainty, and resilience to bounce back, all of which is modeled and taught to clients in our work together.

Extension of the peculiar concept to the transformation process

What I learned along the way from Amazon is doing this intentionally involves an acceptance and expectation of this consequential misunderstanding. This allowed them to stay the course, try unthinkable things, and create long-term sustainable value for customers and shareholders. Coincidentally, this can be what counseling clients experience from others in their lives when making bold changes to live in accordance with their values and work to shed what no longer serves them. We can often be caught up in what others think about our transformation process and how it affects them. In reality, our transformation is not up to everyone else. It is up to each of us. This process does not come without gains and losses, so we as counselors need to carefully explore what a client is willing to give up in order to gain this level of change.

What my version of peculiar looks like in my practice

My version of peculiar is actually quite common for trained counselors and coaches, but it may feel foreign for those new to counseling and coaching or those in their lives. Inspired by my Amazon experience, I start with the client and work backwards. I inquire about a client’s envisioned transformation and encourage experimentation towards transformation outside of session. I celebrate major milestones along the way and recognize movement away from the safe harbor. I explore barriers to progress that may be getting in the way and share observations of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors working against transformation goals. When we reach the client’s initial end goals for transformation, I check in if a client feels ready to set sail on their own. Much like Amazon would only keep a product or service around assuming there is customer value, I do not encourage longer term dependence on therapy unless there is a clear therapeutic benefit to a client.

How to be peculiar as a client of Reinvention Space

Reinvention Space, PLLC exists to enable the personal, relational, and organizational transformation process. As the founder and lead practitioner of the business, I act as a lighthouse to illuminate a client’s inner wisdom and path and as an accountability partner to help clients do what they set out to process, heal, and transform. Clients are viewed as the authorities and authors of their lives, and they are given full power over what they will do or not do. It is a partnership where both the work and the growth belong to the client.

Enabling AI to be a Collaborator in Mental Health Care

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Since leaving the tech industry two years ago to become a clinical mental health counselor, I have witnessed progress with developments in AI that are enabling greater productivity, higher value work, and new futures not yet imagined. Microsoft, my last employer before becoming a counselor, speaks of this along with the organizational opportunities and challenges ahead in the 2026 Work Trend Index. While I am not affiliated with Microsoft any longer and my focus has shifted from productivity to mental health and wellness, I see similar developments and questions arising in my counseling room where AI has a role to play.

Uses of AI for Mental Health

Assuming we have created a safe and judgment-free therapeutic relationship, clients may disclose they are turning to AI as an idea generator, researcher, accountability partner, and validator to help them between sessions. As I have learned with my own clients, AI is also assisting them in making decisions about their careers and employment, identify and validate emotional experiences, hold themselves accountable and track progress towards goals, and navigate work, familial, and intimate relationships. These behaviors for interacting with mental health outside of the therapy room are providing new insights to understand, support, and empower clients. However, these behaviors do not come without ambiguity, complexity, or risk, and these are areas of clinical concern and training for fellow therapists.

Clinical Risks and Responses

As jobs are impacted by the rise in use of AI, there is naturally a range of curiosities, anxieties, and fear among clinicians and clients alike about how AI will change their lives. The direct impact on clinicians may equally impact how we may respond to clients who disclose they use AI. We may worry about what AI is advising a client to do that could create harm and may respond with protection and encouragement to reduce use or reliance on AI. We may feel anxious about overreliance on technology to help clients reduce suffering and the reduction of human contact and connection so defend human value over assistive technology. We may also face concerns about being displaced by AI and becoming irrelevant so may unintentionally respond with fear, anger, or judgment. These are very real concerns and worth examining what can be done to address them.

Building AI Knowledge, Skills, and Competence

As a recent clinical mental health counseling graduate, I can attest to having exposure to the growing prevalence of AI usage in the counseling field and an opportunity for clinical training to catch up on how to engage with clients and their AI use for mental health in clinical spaces. Coming from the tech industry where I built and promoted technology solutions and managed and supported teams who created new personal and organizational value, I tend to see it is important as a counselor to navigate this ambiguity by educating, empowering, and advocating for clients to become discerning users and consumers of AI in support of their mental health goals and concerns. They may use it anyway, so shouldn’t we do everything we can to expand the conversation?

Advocacy for Responsible Use of AI

For as long as I was in the tech industry, I have been an advocate for responsible use of technology and empowering users, now clients, to help themselves and seek help when needed. A part of my approach in supporting clients is helping them learn to trust themselves and finding their ideal balance of reliance on self versus others. Clients are still the authors and experts of their lives, and clinicians continue to remain the trained and empathic instrument of change. AI can be an enabler in the therapeutic process if used thoughtfully and as indicated by one’s clinician. Exploring a client’s curiosity, goals, intent, and interpretation of what AI provides them can offer clinicians valuable information to enable treatment and accelerate progress.

Incorporating AI Into Clinical Work

There are opportunities to reimagine how we live and work, and there are hurdles within us and around us to get there. AI is not the only answer in mental health but can assist clients and clinicians alike by helping us reimagine what is possible and support the achievement of mental health goals. Reimagining how we live and work starts with what we see is possible for ourselves, our relationships, and our workplaces. Oftentimes we don’t invent or reinvent anything unless there is a problem to solve or notice the current solution no longer serves us. Client use of AI to support mental health needs is telling us something. As a starting place, here are some curious questions I would pose to get the conversation started:

• What is client use of AI telling you if you are a counselor?

• What might you be seeking from AI if you are a past, current, or potential client?

• How might you broach the subject if you are a counselor or a client?

• And how might your therapeutic work fundamentally shift if AI is at least discussed if not also a core part of the work?

• What protections, safety plans, and other measures might need to be put in place to do no harm and do good overall for society?

• What might we need to demand as clinicians and clients of the makers of AI solutions to ensure user safety and minimize unintentional harm or the effects of bad actors?

Transformation Includes Holding Opposing Ideas at Once

Creating durable change necessarily demands that we navigate the tension between the old and the new. It requires us to hold both things at once to clarify where we are now and where we are heading to map our path. If clinicians accept (and expect) clients are likely to turn to AI once in a while, if not more often, and for all kinds of use cases in life and work including mental health, we have more choices with what we can accept and what we can change. We can respond with protection, caution, and fear, or we can respond with empathy, curiosity, kindness. Microsoft’s 2026 Work Trend Index inspired me to think of AI as a collaborator to support clients’ goals and needs while remaining mindful and explicit of the benefits and risks, practical implications, and role of advocacy in the counseling profession.

Reinvention of Mental Health Care with AI as a Collaborator

This also begs the question of how collaborating with AI may redefine my work as a clinical mental health counselor. I will always need to operate within the laws of my state, ethics of the counseling profession, and scope of practice and competency. I may also be enabled to do higher value work with clients, which, to me, means creating more time and space for reflection, healing, and growth. Clients may become more engaged with the work, try more experiments between sessions, act in alignment with their values, work towards their therapy goals, and integrate what they have tried and learned into who they are becoming. I wonder what kind of transformation we may enable as clinicians with an abundance mindset. Psychoeducation with informed use of AI can start with informed consent, deepen during intake and early work, and evolve throughout the therapeutic process. I especially wonder how clients may go from a mindset of incremental change to transformation into wellness if they feel understood and supported as they already use AI alongside their therapeutic work.

Life and Work Transitions: They are real, temporary, and telling us something

If you are reading this, you may be going through a life or work transition … or maybe both. Or maybe you are reading this because you are on the edge of a major transition or you are supporting someone who is. Transitions, while fleeting, can feel so BIG. They take so much time, space, and energy they almost become an entity of their own. But much like pop-up shops, they are not here to stay but do have a purpose. They have something to tell us and show us, and, if we are willing to listen, we just may walk away with an important message to guide our next chapter.

In my counseling room, I have cheekily used a phrase for which Benjamin Franklin is most frequently quoted, which is “there is nothing certain except death and taxes”. This may be off-putting for some, so I usually tune into my audience before saying this. The point I usually make is outside of change, the only things guaranteed in life are these two things. I think change should be worked into a modernized version of this statement. Whether it is or is not updated, change is an inevitable truth for all of us, whether we choose it or not.

We each have a different relationship with change, and I describe mine through a fateful interview on A Change Mindset dated back to January 2023 foretelling a tale of changing my life, career, and intimate relationship. Jennifer becomes a coach - A Change Mindset - Apple Podcasts. I hinted at a major career change at the end of this podcast episode before I told my leaders in tech what I was imagining for myself. Spoiler alert: Three years later, and, after graduating with my master’s in counseling from Northwestern University, launching my private counseling practice under supervision, and preparing to cross the stage in Evanston, IL to commemorate this moment, I have a lot of transitions to reflect on myself with memories, thoughts, feelings, and actions that may spark what may be beneath what is happening for you or others in your life right now.

What roles have I assumed or taken on in the last 20 years? MBA. Homeowner. Tech employee. Spouse. Expat. Parent. Coach. Business owner. Divorcee. Tech leader. Partner. Counseling student. MA. LMHCA. I’m still an MBA, parent, coach, business owner, divorcee, and partner. I am no longer a homeowner, spouse, expat, tech employee / leader, or counseling student. I am a new MA in Counseling and LMHCA. I will always and forever be a change agent. Change has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

Gains and losses are a natural part of the development process, and we may experience a mix of emotions along the way, sometimes all at once, as we examine shifts in our sense of self, identity, and support. We may feel excitement, disappointment, joy, anxiety, fear, and grief among many other emotions that may arise in a time of change. This space in between what was and what is allows us to integrate various parts of ourselves along the journey of becoming something new. Pausing to reflect on our experiences and intentionally choosing what we’re taking with us, leaving behind, and adopting can be a helpful part of this integration process.

Wherever you are in the change process for yourself or in support of others, I am here to help. Change can feel challenging, but you can get through it. It may feel difficult, and you and your loved ones are capable of getting to the other side. It may not always be what we imagined, but it is something we can make our own and make meaning along the way.