There are varying beliefs and philosophies on what leads to and maintains human suffering. What appears to be in common is the idea human suffering can originate from and contribute to significant pain and distress that impacts our ability to function every day.

Isolation

In a mental health context, physical, psychological, and emotional distress can stem from anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, and unaddressed existential concerns, one of them being isolation. With the global pandemic still in our recent collective memories, isolation followed many unfortunate death and non-death losses and involuntary separation from quarantine. Many earlier in their lives experienced thwarted social development by being unable to connect with friends and peers. Some developed long covid and now need to permanently isolate or limit contact to stay healthy and safe. This barely scratches the surface of the impact, but it seems safe to say we are all still making sense of what happened to us since 2020.

Invalidation

We may tend to consider isolation in the context of being alone and as the absence of contact with others. However, we can also experience a sense of isolation followed by a growing sense of loneliness in our personal and professional relationships if we do not feel seen, heard, or validated. For those who may feel more regular emotional intensity, profound human suffering and self-abandonment can arise in preserving a relationship or situation that doesn’t serve someone to avoid the unbearable anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment. When we make commitments to be in relationship with others, whether in life or work, we are left with questions, ambivalence, and uncharted paths of what to do when left unfulfilled.

Validation, Acceptance, and Change

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan talks and writes about Building a Life Worth Living and shares her own journey and how developing DBT as part of the third wave of behavioral therapies necessarily included validation and the dialectical idea of acceptance and change. While I will not attempt to represent the depth and breadth of DBT or Linehan’s work here, the core idea as applied to our relationships in life and work can start with a simple two-part question that leads to hope and can reduce home suffering, which is: “What can I accept that I cannot change in this relationship or situation, and what is in my power and control to change?”

Linehan asserts validation without the exploration of change will not necessarily relieve suffering from someone seeking support. Exploration of change without validation may provide more suffering for encouraging change without first acknowledging the heart of one’s pain. It is also important to note acceptance in this case does not mean approval, but it does mean we can learn to tolerate that which we cannot change.

Differentiation

The good news is validation does not always need to come from external sources. We can also validate ourselves for our lived experiences, thoughts, and feelings that feel true to us even when others may not agree with us. Self-validation is not a justification of maltreatment of others but rather a way to stay authentic to ourselves while still considering our impact on ourselves and others. We can also experience pain and suffering if we end up in isolation or feeling loneliness by distancing ourselves from others or pushing others away.

As we begin to feel validated and make sense of what we can accept and change, we can also differentiate between the human suffering we may have some control to shift and the everyday difficulties not in our control that accompany the human experience. This process of differentiation can expand the possibilities for us, our relationships, and our workplaces. We are better able to consider new possibilities for our lives and work, the impact of what has happened to us that was not our choice or fault, the repair we may seek following what we may say or do while in pain or distress, and the role we may play in maintaining and metabolizing our pain and suffering.

Being Present

Using a range of DBT skills of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, we can build a practice of slowing down, observing ourselves and others, and acting thoughtfully in a way that feels less automatic and more deliberate in our lives and work. It allows us to be more present and connected with ourselves and in our relationships. I use DBT skills work with both individuals and couples in counseling seeking to shift their experiences and expressions of incongruence and conflict, clarify what they can accept and change, and expand the choices in their lives and relationships. The skills allow them to recognize what is worth holding onto and what they wish to let go. Sometimes this means changing how we view something to experience ourselves, a situation, or a relationship in a new way. Sometimes it means deciding whether to stay or go with more awareness and acceptance of what we are keeping or releasing.

Hope and Healing

When we expand our awareness and understanding of our own lived experiences, feel validated by others and ourselves, and feel engaged in relieving our suffering, we are better able to be present, connected, and authentic in our lives, relationships, and workplaces. This process of enabling a more authentic life can come with a range of emotions from anxiety and fear to excitement and joy. There is support for that, and you don’t have to do it alone. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we relate to it, the stories we tell ourselves about it, and what we allow ourselves to experience. Hope and healing can be found in the work and process of becoming who we fully are, adapting to changes we chose or did not choose, and freeing ourselves from what is not ours to hold or own.