In the fourth and final blog post on intimate partner violence (IPV) during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I touch on the important role a friend, family member, or colleague can have on bearing witness, sharing observations, and offering support to someone experiencing IPV. I’ll start by acknowledging this is not an easy position to be in as supporters and encourage care be taken as you read this post.

Bearing Witness

A friend, family member, or colleague who directly witnesses or hears repeated IPV events, either from someone who facilitated or received harm, may navigate the roller coaster ride of cycles of power and control vicariously. One can feel their own sense of confusion and whiplash, especially as someone with closer proximity to IPV events. As a supporter, you may have seen, heard, felt, and/or sensed things to be off, and you may have wondered if things are okay. We may have no idea where to start, what to say, or what to do. It can be a very difficult place in which to find oneself.

Defenses for Supporters

We may boil what we see down to high conflict or a power struggle, which allows us to feel a bit more comfortable with what we’ve witnessed and convince ourselves it is better to stay out of it. We may also be afraid to ask what is happening because it may validate our fears our loved one is not safe or is imposing violence while leaving us uncertain with what can be done. We may think our loved one should leave the relationship or end acts of violence they may facilitate but not know how this should be done and what resources are available.

We may hold back our opinions with worry we may lose contact with the loved one if we speak up and they turn away from us. We may instead urge a loved one to end the relationship without understanding how safe it may be for them. We could judge someone for not leaving without considering how much is at stake - love, children, financials, stability - because it creates psychological safety for us to create distance from the IPV events. There is not always a clear answer on what to do, though some responses may offer more comfort and support than others.

Vicarious Trauma and Compassion Fatigue

Observing or hearing about acts of violence can create vicarious trauma for friends, family members, or colleagues. It also may not always be clear what is happening, which can feel confusing and alarming all at once, as if it is happening to us. We may also experience compassion fatigue after supporting a loved one over a durable amount of time and feeling their resistance to change or a slow process of change.

According to the DSM-5-TR, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) includes but is not limited to criteria for exposure to traumatic events, which include 1) directly experiencing traumatic events, 2) witnessing events in person as they occur to others, 3) learning the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or friend, and/or 4) experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the events (e.g., such as experienced by first responders or other witnesses in or outside the family). Supporters may also need support after witnessing or hearing of events.

See Something, Say Something

It can be painful to observe IPV events and uncertain how to act as it may not feel like your business. If we see something, saying something could save a life or lives. It could also change the trajectory for partners or an entire family. However, there is no easy way to share what we have witnessed or considered. What we can do is get curious, show empathy, share our own sense of what is happening, and speak gently without judgment. Seeking understanding, holding off on imposing personal values, offering genuine concern and care, and asking what support is needed can be most helpful.

This could sound like the following examples addressed to either someone who may receive or create harm:

Emotional impact: “I’ve noticed you seem down each time you spend with your partner. I could be wrong about what is happening, but I would like to know more. What would you like me to know about your experience?”
Addressing IPV: “I observed some events between you and your partner that seem really difficult for you both. I have been wondering if this is more than conflict. What are you feeling and noticing?”
Escalation of harm: “Things seem to be escalating between you and your partner. I don’t quite know what is going on, but is there something more you would like me to know?”
Expression of concern: “I have seen and heard some difficult moments between you and your partner, and I am concerned about you both. Do you feel safe?”
Encouragement to act: “We have talked about these events for a while now, and things do not seem to have changed for you. I am wondering if you have been thinking about external support for you and your partner or a change in the relationship.”
Offer of support: “You mentioned wanting to take action to end the relationship. I can offer you a listening ear, resources, or a safe space as you figure this out. What do you need most right now?”

Navigating the Stages of Change

Not everyone wants to end their relationships but may want to end acts of violence and find adaptive ways to communicate with their partner. Some partners may want to end the relationships, but they and/or their partner may not be ready, may feel sad or fearful, and may not feel safe. Walking alongside someone as they navigate the situation and figure out what they want and need is important and keeps your relationship intact as a supporter.

There are five stages of change in the Transtheoretical Model: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Understanding someone can go from not seeing a problem (precontemplation) to noticing a problem but feeling ambivalence (contemplation), considering what to do (preparation), taking the next step (action), and sticking to a new approach in or out of the relationship (maintenance) can help supporters see where a person is along the trajectory of change. While the stages of change sound linear, someone can go back to an earlier stage for any reason, known as relapse, and can arise due to another IPV event, uncertainty, fear, or needing more resources. This can feel frustrating to a supporter, so it may be helpful to know and expect this, and it is also important to recognize it takes time for change to take hold.

Support for the Supporters

As mentioned at the start of this blog post, it can be very difficult to witness someone going through IPV events. We may even feel vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue, or defenses arising depending on what we have been exposed to. It is important to take care of ourselves as we support others experiencing IPV.

Support for supporters may look like making space for self-care, spending time with other loved ones, taking a break from providing care without abandonment, or seeking our own therapeutic support. This support can help ease the distress we may feel for bearing witness or hearing of difficult events. It can also set us up to be available for longer term support as someone we are supporting goes through the stages of change, experiences relapses and setbacks, and goes through their own process of healing and restoration, either within or outside the relationship.

Resources for Support Seekers and Supporters

As mentioned throughout the IPV blog posts across Domestic Violence Awareness Month, there is support available for those experiencing or observing intimate partner violence. Medical and mental health providers and dedicated hotlines are resources for anyone in or observing these situations. You do not have to experience or witness it alone. Together we can break the silence.

Crisis

If you or someone you know is experiencing an urgent need or an emerging crisis where there is a concern about the personal health or safety for you or others, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

You may also call National Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 or text SAFE to 741741.
For local support in Washington state, you may also call the King County Crisis Line at 206-461-3222.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, the confidential 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline is available through multiple methods:

Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Test “START” to 88788
Visit Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline for a live chat

Wrap Up

Over the past four weeks, I have offered data and information about IPV, subjective experiences for those experiencing IPV, conceptualization and treatment for mental health providers, and enablement of change for supporters. These ideas just begin to cover what can be done with this epidemic of intimate partner violence. If you or someone you know is seeking more resources or support, mental health colleagues and I can be of assistance. Together we can break the silence, interrupt and end cycles of power and control, and move from violent relationships to loving ones.

Ready to transform