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In my counseling work, the exploration of one’s social and intimate relationships accompanies an exploration of oneself. This has been both true for individual and couples counseling where one’s sense of self and relationship with oneself and one’s relational experiences with others are always in the room, whether or not one’s family, friends, or romantic partners are a direct part of the counseling process. This might sound complex, so I’ll explore a bit more plainly what this means in theory and in practice.
Earliest Relational Experience
From the beginning of our existence, each of us is a part of a greater whole connected to the individual who carried us. According to Jungian Psychology, we spend much of our lives unconsciously and consciously in search of a union to become whole again because the pain of separateness is too great to bear alone. The book The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis explores this phenomenon.
This idea does not imply that every person on the planet needs to be in an intimate relationship to feel whole. However, complete isolation can lead to loneliness and poor mental health outcomes. The World Health Organization recently identified social isolation and loneliness as a public health problem and made it a priority to address it.
Attachment
How safe it feels to be in relationship with others and ourselves can be viewed through the lens of attachment theory, which was originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth. Attachment theory focuses on how we socially and emotionally learned to respond to caregivers tending to our needs. These early experiences with parents and caregivers shape what we expect of others in helping us meet our needs and, in essence, how we cope if our needs are not met.
Attachment styles range from secure to insecure where insecure styles include avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Coping may range from an adaptive balance of self-soothing and finding comfort from others to seeking self-soothing only, seeking others only for comfort, and experiencing confusion around how to find comfort. Attachment styles are fluid and can be updated from an insecure to a more secure style or vice versa based on social and intimate relationships in later years.
Becoming “Me”
Along this quest, the true becoming of oneself involves understanding all aspects of who we are both in and out of relationships with others, which includes the relationship we have with ourselves. In our earliest years, we go through a range of physical, cognitive, social, and emotional developmental stages that help us build a sense of who we are while learning to get along with others and in the world. Our lived experiences construct this picture of ourselves and are reflected back to us by others from what we present to the world and the relationships in which we find ourselves.
Being Seen
How the external world and society treat us, including acts of systemic oppression, can become internalized or externalized and have a profound impact on our sense of self, our functioning, and the quality and depth of our relationships with others. What we think of ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, what we allow others to see about our hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and fears as well as how we view others can be a reflection of how stable our sense of self may be and also how safe the world may feel to us. It can be vulnerable to know and share our true self because we risk being seen and may experience criticism, rejection, abandonment, manipulation, and marginalization. This can lead to protective beliefs and behaviors that may call for clear and gentle therapeutic support.
Moving from “Me” to “We”
As we develop social and intimate relationships with others, we continue to develop across our lifespans. We have opportunities to update what we know and say about ourselves, how we present ourselves, and ways we engage with others and the world. Sharing this evolution with others in our lives is a journey as we are ever changing creatures as humans in search of fulfilling our hopes, dreams, and desires.
For some, this may be a quest filled with joy and delight for what may be gained. For others, this may raise anxiety or fear for what may be lost. Both are informed by our lived experiences and expectations of how we see ourselves and others. As a counselor, I accept the reality that one or both may exist. Clients proceeding without fear, anticipating only being wounded, or expecting only to submit or dominate can indicate earlier relational patterns that may benefit from mending in therapy.
Making Space for All
How much we grow and are able to delight in the company of others, whether it be through platonic or romantic love or as a parent, may also depend on our openness to experiences and willingness to examine our beliefs, assumptions, thoughts, emotions, and actions towards ourselves and others. Making space for another does not necessarily have to mean we disregard who we are or overpower another to exist, be accepted, and belong. There is room for two or more in service of creating a union of friendship, romantic partnership, or parent and child relationship. Making space for another necessarily requires that we stay grounded and aware of ourselves while becoming aware and open to another. Esther Perel speaks to how this is at the heart of desire in Mating in Captivity, as one example among many.
Maybe this post finds you at a time where you are feeling grounded in yourself and with others, and, if so, I celebrate this feeling with you. If the post offers some space for reflection on something you’d like to amend for yourself and update with others, my encouragement is to be gentle with yourself and others as this awakening and evolution are a journey. As long as you are invested in taking the next step forward, there is always room for growth and transformation.