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Existential philosophers like Søren Kierkegaard and Jean-Paul Sartre emphasized the presence and role of anxiety in our lives when faced with the tension of being free to live as we wish while also taking responsibility for our actions and choices. Finding a balance between the two, they assert, leads to an authentic life and a reduction in anxiety.
Four Ultimate Concerns of Human Existence
Irvin Yalom, a renowned psychotherapist, author, and educator described four existential concerns of human existence that can produce anxiety: death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. A preoccupation or avoidance of these concerns can produce anxiety that may benefit from therapy, and this post will focus on freedom.
Balancing Freedom and Responsibility
In this context, freedom does not imply living life as we wish with our sole focus on personal gains and no consideration for consequences. It means seeking balance between living life as we wish and taking responsibility for our impact on ourselves and others. In my clinical training and supervision, this was a frequent topic as clients may find themselves pleasing others to minimize their losses or pleasing themselves to maximize their gains - both of which may bring sacrifices ranging from loss of self to loss of relationships.
Therapeutic Support
As therapists, we are supporting and elevating clients’ self-advocacy for their own needs but not at the expense of others’ needs and rights. We are enabling boundary creation for adaptive protection and space for oneself while caring for others but not in service of disconnection and isolation. We are facilitating processing grief upon losing others to death and creating an openness to experience to live life to its fullest before our own death. We are essentially promoting authentic living in alignment with one’s values and purpose.
Self-Reflection Questions
In terms of freedom, therapists are encouraging a client to gauge where they currently sit with balancing freedom and responsibility. Key questions may include:
What or who gets more attention from us most of the time?
What or who is getting lost or left behind when we default to what gets our attention?
How are both impacting me and others?
If you are seeking to live authentically and reduce existential anxiety, first, consider what your values are. If you are not sure what your values are, a therapist can help you identify them.
Next, gauge how you are doing living in accordance with your values. A way to do this is to look at your values, look at your actions and choices, and identify gaps in actions and choices.
Then, closing the gap between your values and your actions and choices requires looking at your behaviors and corresponding thoughts and feelings that lead to specific behaviors that are not aligned to your values.
Now consider how you can get closer to living an authentic life by identifying and choosing actions aligned with your values. Consider if your sense of self, skills, environments, relationships, or other factors may need to change to choose differently and be accountable.
Living Intentionally and Authentically
These ideas can be applied to both life and work. We can consider how we show up for ourselves and how we show up for others. None of us can be in all places at all times unless we have figured out time travel. We all have tradeoffs and choices to make about how to spend our time, energy, and money and who and to what end it will all serve. If we know what and who are most important to us, we have a chance at living authentic lives, addressing our four existential concerns, and reducing the anxiety that comes with living in tension and out of balance.
In the end, being authentic in all aspects of our lives will better allow us to be kind to ourselves and to others and to generally get what we want and need, even if not in every circumstance. It is not an “or” but an “and”. Both can be true at once.
Balance for Caregivers
If you are in a season of caregiving whether for children, aging parents, or both, it may feel like there is no time or space for you right now. Caregivers especially need some care poured into them to be able to keep giving even if this self-care feels too small or not enough. What kind of support do you need in this season and from what or whom to help you have some care and sense of freedom to balance your responsibilities?